I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
