Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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