i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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