Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
