based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
