it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
