She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
