Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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