Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
