When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I understand Curling. That high.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I want to fling myself into the sun
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
