Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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