I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
