feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
