someone get that fucking seahorse.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
