So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
