Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
