I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
