Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
