I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
