I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
