my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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