My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
