I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
