dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
