Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
