There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
