i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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