on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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