I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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