i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
