Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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