someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
