The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
