I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
