On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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