I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
