I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
