If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
