Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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