Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
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My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
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We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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