We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Randomize
