My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
