Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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