You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I think my vagina is haunted
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
