hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
