mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
