Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You're a waste of cheezeits
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
