So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
