upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
