Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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