When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
