It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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