6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Randomize
