The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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