1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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